Monday, November 25, 2002

If at first you don't succeed...

I just successfully unnattached the flag from the flagpole! This time we got pictures.

I heard a commercial for a pet shelter today. It described some of the animals in detail, one of which was Nicole:

Nicole is a black cat/tiger mix, and she's looking forward to meeting you.

Since when did pet adoption commercials become personal ads? What's next:

SBD looking for companion. Enjoys bacon, peeing on carpets, and humping peoples legs. Looking for small furry poodle to cuddle with and sniff each others butts. Possible long term relationship.

When I thought of this it was funny, but now that I've written it down, I feel like I'm trying too hard.

  Saturday, November 23, 2002

About 6:30 AM Thursday morning, I woke up to the sound of my roomates girlfriend, Alexis, getting down from the loft. I noticed her sit next to the regrigerator for a moment and then climb back up the loft. Then I hear a can open. Although I am tired, I realize that there was only one can in our refrigerator, and it was a two month old can of lemonade I was saving for a special situation.

I was not very happy about this. I left about an hour later for a final, and when I returned she was studying on our couch. I looked in the refrigerator briefly and then looked at her, but I don't think she got the idea. I changed my IM away message to, "I could really go for a nice can of lemonade right now," and left. When I returned an hour later there is a note on my computer with the word "ASS" written on it and there is a bottle of lemonade on top of the note. My away message was also changed to "I'm an ass." I was happy though cause I got more lemonade, and it was funny.

This is not the first instance that I picked on Alexis, and it certainly won't be the last. About a month earlier Burgner and I took every single marshmallow out of her Lucky Charms. It required a little work, but the best jokes do.

Finally, after a couple months on hiatus, a truly exemplary instance of Roriness:

As I was leaving for lunch I take a moment to appreciate our waving American flag. However, the end of the flag was stuck to the horn of the elephant figurine that caps the top of our flagpole. After fidgeting with the string and realizing that it wasn't moving, I of course decide that the only solution is to climb the flag pole and get it.

Let me interject with a note about climbing vertical poles. You hold on to the pole with your feet and pull yourself up with your arms. It is easier to hold onto a thicker pole and easier to climb with a thinner pole. When the pole gets thinner as it rises (such as the one in question) there are some interesting results.

During my ascent, because of the noted effects, my increased ability to climb was countered by my increased slipping. Ironically I hit my climbing equilibrium about two inches below the desired objective. At this point I am also swaying back and forth about ten feet. Eventually, I expended too much energy just trying to maintain my position and decided to slide down.

About four feet above the ground there is that thing that you tie the string to. I knew it was going to cause a problem, either by clairvoyance or experience with stupid things. That thing is pointy too, and it decided to stick itself right into the sole of left shoe. You can image the comical sight of me hanging upside down from a flag pole with my head on the ground. And believe me; even from my first person perspective I could tell that it was quite comical. I hung there, somewhat content, for a moment; then slipped my foot out of my attached shoe, and was rewarded with a twisted ankle for my efforts.

I'm hoping that this is just a precursor to a wave of many more exciting moments involving me and my rogical ways.

  Sunday, November 17, 2002

Somebody made this thing into my homepage. Although the entire animation disturbs me, I'm happy that people have taken it upon themselves to offer me amusement for me to mysteriously find. The last incedent was about a week ago when a printout of this picture was sitting on my chair.

  Thursday, November 14, 2002

Doug Barker told me today that I look like the kind of guy that would be pretty ripped if I just worked out a little. I told him that I probably would be. Him and Bixby then laughed at the idea of me being ripped and getting bitches.

Being the good fraternity member, I was checking out the Pike Calendar Web Page I was the most pleased with Ms. February. There was a link on the page to a Pikes apparel page, Planet Pike. While checking out some of the t-shirt designs I came across this humorous number:

"After living a full life and being as fraternal as possible a proud member os Sigma Chi dies. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around. They came to a modest little house with a faded Sigma Chi crest in the window. 'This house is yours for eternity,' said God. 'This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here.'

The Sigam Chi felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion with a white carpet rolled on the pathway, and a 50 foot tall Garnet and Gold statue with enormous letters Pi K A.

The Sigma Chi looked at God and said, 'God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a Question. I was a good citizen, I served my country well, and I did the best I could for my people and fraternity.' God asked, 'So what do you want to know?'

'Well, why do the PIKES get a better house than me?'

God chuckled and said, 'That's My House!!!!'"

I guess its somewhat humorous, but it only confirms my opinion that this fraternity is comprised primarily of cocky pricks, but oh well. I was disappointed that I didn't see the "J-board the World" T-shirts that Tom and I thought up. That story also motivated me to write my own story:

A Chi Omega dies and goes to heaven. When she gets there God tells her, "Get the hell out you stupid bitch!"

I am sure that just like my t-shirt joke, Tom will be the only one to find my story amusing.

  Tuesday, November 12, 2002

Some of the fraternity boys found a book called Meet Rory Hohenstein, A Professional Dancer. They presented this to me along with some quotes:

Dancers stretch before they begin dancing. Ouch! Rory's friend helps him stretch his legs. Rory's mom helps him stretch his back and arms. Every one of his muscles has to be very strong to do such a big kick! When Rory performs, he acts many different parts. Every part has its own costume. Rory created a dance about a fierce warrior. He and his mom made the costume.

This is however not the first time this Meet Rory has been brought to my attention. Umak brought in a printed copy of the cover of the book which we hung on the office wall senior year. I guess history must be repeating itself.

  Thursday, November 07, 2002

I just recently got into a conversation concerning my physical abnormalities: one of which being a crooked nose due to breaking it four times. I also had a chance to examine my nose slightly closer with the help of Alex, while he was cutting my hair. We noticed that it is quite hideous. I was genuinely perplexed by this, I mean if you were a girl, why would you ever want to make out with me. Seriously, I'm disgusting! This shows no lack of self confidence, its just the fact that I am legitimately an ugly person. Alex and I decided to accompany my irregular face with a irregular haircut; so now my hair purposely has blotches that have been removed as if a month ago I literally ripped out my hair is a stressful fit. This whole anti-girl persona I exude is totally contrary to what googlisms has to say about me:

"Rory is one of the worlds greatest lovers possessed of amazing powers of sexual magnetism which are enough to light up a small city."

A small city is probably an exaggeration, but one lucky lady (who isn't a bitch) and who doesn't mind having a nose in her eye, definitely!

  Wednesday, November 06, 2002

Got my Teach for America rejection letter yesterday. Didn't make me happy, for multiple reasons. I went to sulk to my good pal Jeff and he had these words of wisdom for me:

"All the best people in the world have been denied at some point."

We continued talking and he gave me a hug. As I left I asked him to repeat his words of wisdom. He knew what I was up to and had this to say, which is slightly sensored:

"Don't f*cking quote me. I didn't f*cking say anything! Hey you f*cking queer, shut my f*cking door!"

I guess it kind of made me feel a little better. I'm still sad though; Carolyn got my heart set on this being a good idea. To some extent I feel like I let her down, which makes me feel even worse. Oh well, I didn't start this blog to make people feel bad. I don't pull out religion too often, but I guess this is one of those times where you just have to say that God must have a different path for me to travel.

  Monday, November 04, 2002

The Pike Halloween Party came and went on Saturday. It was yet another oppurtunity to test my 'no bitches' policy. I think I passed yet again, unless you consider Jesicca Farmer and Sonia Haalboom bitches, which I don't: I am friends with them, they each have boyfriends, and dancing with both of them at the same time is a fairly rogical thing to do. In more exciting news, I actually got to use my three years of security experience. I noticed some dude, from across the room, take a drink of something he shouldn't have. I followed him around for a while, then I actually convinced a girl to go dance with him and grope his ass. She came back and told me he definately had something in his pocket. I stopped him a little while later and made him empty his pockets. He tried to bullshit me, so I called him out in front of security. He showed me a flask and I showed him the door. All the paid security were really impressed that I saw that and Perenic seemed to really like my new flask. I got the guys number so I'll give it back in a couple days. I don't even really care that he had it, it was just fun as hell kicking someone out of the party. I never got to exercise that sort of power. Maybe I am falling victim to Lord Acton's oft-quoted aphorism, "power tends to corrupt," but thats another story. Oh, and did I mention that afterward the girl I convinced to dance with him totally wanted me. I was telling her how cool she was for doing that for me and how she made my day; evidently I hit a nerve or something. Stupid bitches, they always want what they can't have.