Sunday, February 29, 2004

I got married to a mule this weekend.


Sorry I didn't invite you guys, it was a spur of the moment thing, plus we did it on small raft riding down a creek. There was only enough room for us and the owl who was captain and performed the ceremony. Roberta and I are happy; so far our honeymoon has put new meaning to the phrase "donkey punch."

Anyway, I'm really curious about something, and I was hoping some of you could clear it up for me. I understand that the state can choose not to recognize my marriage. I mean Roberta's Mexican, they are probably weary that I just married so that she could get her citizenship. Plus I was married by an uncertified aviarian sea captain on a barely floating vessel and I didn't even have a marriage license.

So in my mind I'm married, in the government's mind I'm not, so be it. I will accept the fact that I can't file a joint tax return, and it's actually a good thing that we can't own a home together considering that Roberta will probably have an easier time getting the loan without my unemployed ass on the bill. But is it illegal. I don't want to go to jail for marrying the love of my life, and for exercising my freedom of religion: even if that religion is believing some owl in a hat when he says I'm blessed.

I mean marrying Eeyore may be a sure fire sign that I'm nuts, but it doesn't affect your life or your marriage in any sense whatsoever, unless you just think it's icky. In fact, that's really the only negative point anyone has made about this that I believe, but we all know that just because it makes you uneasy, it doesn't mean I shouldn't be allowed to do it. If anything I need help, not punishment; put me in an institution until I no longer want animal loving or until mating with a mule is socially acceptable, but don't abridge my freedoms.

To my understanding, governments are only concerned with the issue of marriage because one day they realized that married couples make more outstanding citizens, so they granted married couples certain privileges to help encourage others to do so. Then the states started providing marriages to people who didn't have a religious forum to get it done. That's fine also, but where do they all of a sudden get the ability to penalize me because I engaged in a ceremony that they are trying to discourage.

I don't know, I really don't know. For fear of society's backlash, Roberta and I are escaping to the hills. In closing, "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool... Fuck you, I'm out!"

  Friday, February 27, 2004

Melina Phillips has sent me an electronic Card!!!


Thanks Bemis, you guys win the nicest potential employer of the week award.

  Tuesday, February 24, 2004

Sweeping changes! One must understand that if I am going to limit my blogging while I submerge myself in a job search, that I will find other ways of procrastinating. All the comments have been converted to the new style. Don't mess up what you say, they are a bitch to edit. I'm working on a script to edit them easily, but that won't be for a while.

Secondly, and the biggest change. My Picture of the Month is now a full fledged photoblog. This does not imply that there will be one picture per month. Some months there will be more, many months there will be less. I'll put up pictures that I like that I have something interesting to say about, but what's cool is that the picture may link to a gallery of pictures that are related. This most recent one is out of Perenic's collection, but more often then not I will link to my own gallery of pictures. There's not much there now, mostly things I've spent the last month scanning in, but trust that once I do get a job, one of my more immediate purchases (after getting a computer to hold all the pictures) will be a digital camera to take more.

Some folks have been added to the blogroll. Stuart Ford and Luke McKinney are pretty good friends with some standard additions to the blogiverse. Bob Wehadababyitzaboy gets a link despite what Tom says. I do agree with him however in that EazyJournal can eat my ass. For God's sake Bob, get a new one now before you've posted too much. The other addition is the illustrious Peter Allen Webb, although I've never met the guy, I find his posts quite interesting, and I know he stops by here on occasion as well. He's like a blogging buddy; can't wait to finally meet him on XUS, assuming we both go.

Other then that, there's some aesthetic changes. Not very much significant with that, but it's part of a long term plan I have. What's the long term plan you ask? For this site to look professionally lame!

  Sunday, February 22, 2004

Random adventures have returned to me. Thanks to Willby's girlfriend I've been treated to a one day visit to Penn State. Steve and I have been buzzing around the area for most of the night. We noticed a cool Black History Month display in one of the dorms, celebrating the inventions of African Americans. Some of them were cool, the spark plug, the ice cream scoop, and the many peanut discoveries of George Washington Carver. However, some of them seemed somewhat suspect; these included the kitchen table, the wrench, and the hairbrush. We've just spent the last thirty minutes confirming the lameness of these accomplishments. I'd link to the proof, but most of them seem racist in nature.

One of the inventions had slightly more humor potential then the others. The pencil sharpener was invented by John Lee Love in 1897. After searching around we discovered that the pencil was invented in 1564. So for 333 years did mankind frustrate himself over how all these manufactured pencils would get sharpened. We humored ourselves most of the night this way, and by being fascinated by a printer ink cartridge recycling bin. I'm leaving Steve's place now to roam around some more, hopefully I'll make it to the hotel room before my ride leaves.

  Friday, February 20, 2004

Well I've finally done it. I've spent the last two days hacking away at some commenting code I found online, and now my comments are completely self supported. You'll notice how similar these comments are to the old ones. My obsessive compulsion was only sated sometime during the thirteenth hour of gazing at the muddle of question marks and dollar signs in the php scripts. That's when it suddenly clicked and I knew what the hell I was doing. I'm not really totally sure it even works yet, when you try it out, let me know what goes wrong.

I also engaged in the foolish task of moving all my old comments into the new ones. The most tedious part of this was converting the date into a Unix timestamp. Don't worry, I had this little baby. I still haven't finished, but after doing the recent months I did a check of the old ones to make sure there wasn't anything. Oddly enough I found a recent comment by Koch to an entry from my first couple months in the blogging world.

Even more odd, was the lone comment a woman left to a Halloween post. She called me fantastic and funny. She sounds fun. She says she is a dancer, and I'd have to say I'm intrigued. Can you do cartwheels, or splits, or some really cool thing I've never even heard of? Oh well, I'm sure you can do enough. If you are really flexible you definitely need to come back again though.

  Tuesday, February 17, 2004

I just got back from a legalization of Marijuana debate at St. Vincent College. Motivated by the discussions that took place I am formally announcing the conception of an independent cannabis legal state located in the area known as Hempfield. This will be our flag, and Jammin will be our National Anthem. Reggae music will be our chief export, and in the words of the speaker, "Nobody has a monopoly on enlightenment and spirituality." However, due to the threat of high tariffs on munchies and floppy hats I am preemptively capitulating to the pressure of the Imperialistic United States and surrendering my land back to the forest and hills of western Pennsylvania.

I heard about this on the radio; a former DEA Robert Stutman faced off against editor-in-chief of High Times magazine, Steven Hager. By in large Steve did get bullied, but what I liked most was a plea he made to the campus community during his closing arguments: the best way to convince lawmakers that marijuana should be legalized is to use it responsibly. This really got me to think about my feelings on the nature of freedom and responsibility: something I've been getting a lot of flack over at Baldauff's for lately. As a responsible person (when I choose to be) I want to be free to do as much as possible. When I come up with some amazing idea I don't want to find out that some law designed to curb irresponsible behavior prevents me from being awesome.

I would think that anyone who is creative and inspired opposes situations like this, but at some point they accept that their ability is being truncated for a greater society gain. I think my tolerance in situations like that is very low. My thinking being as someone that does care about the community, I would use my extended freedom in conjunction with my creativity to help the world, whereas others who have higher freedom compromising tolerances are looking out more for themselves.

Hrmmmm. I'm going to go back to this job search now. Sorry if I offended anyone.

  Tuesday, February 03, 2004

If you are unfamiliar with Spider Solitaire, I pity you. It's a invaluable time waster I discovered last year. I quickly reached the point where I could consistently win on the most difficult level: mastering common card shifts that free up maximum space. To the proffessional player there are two important tools: the common undo (Ctrl-Z) and the next move button (M). I've found that the best hand configuration permits my right hand's index finger on the touchpad while my pinky rests on the 'M' key. Over the last two months this has developed into my normal computer operating hand position.

The purpose of the next move feature is to simply shows you which moves are available. It's a quick run down of the options and a nice check after you've made all the obvious changes. I've discovered a subconsious desire to use the 'M' in situations outside of solitaire. I'll be having an IM conversation, thinking about what to say, and when I go to type there will be a string of m's in the box. I take my eye off the desktop for a moment to check on something out the window and my desktop will cycle between My Computer, My Documents, and the Madden 2004 Scouting FAQ.

This has brought about awareness of an unfortunate actuality. There is no 'M' key in the real world. There is no magical button to press that tells you where to go or what to do. I've exhausted all my other options and I'm left with only one more glaring me in the face, and I'm not going to find a way around it. So fine, I accept it, as I should have long ago. Now I propose this: The Great Find Rory A Job Innitiative.

It's the only move left; I've been fiddling at it for a few months, but it's time for a full fledged effort, and I call upon you, my friends for support. I promise this to be the most concerted endavour I have ever engaged in, but that doesn't mean I'll never be weak. When I'm doing well praise me. Here is my resume, to those of you that know people, spread it out amongst the world. I know there are people from Westinghouse and Cummins that visit this site, and I'm interested in jobs there, but let me know of ANY oppurtunities; any lead is important enough to follow! I'll go anywhere, I'll do anything! Hell, I'd lick ashtrays for some health insurance right now. There are no limits to this search exept for the lame ones I create for myself. When I start making excuses don't let me! Don't ever let me not be thinking about a job. Tell me exactly what I should be doing, whether I run with this well enough that I don't need all that much help, or whether I fight you to the last limits, understand that anything you do is appreciated in the end.

This extends to moral support too. I would really appreciate everyones help in this. I know it's even a little lame for me to ask, and that I should be able to handle my owns problems: God knows I'm going to try, but it will really help to know that I've got a lot of people behind me on this one. I've got a lot of friends and i love you all; let's change the world.

  Monday, February 02, 2004

A series of seemingly unrelated Saturday Night Live quotes:

You're probably aware of the threat robots pose. Robots are everywhere, and they eat old people's medicine for fuel. Well, now there's a company that offers coverage against the unfortunate event of robot attack, with Old Glory Insurance.

Hey, I got a really wet yabbie! So go ahead and chockablock me in the gunny until I waltz in you boots!

And how do we throw things out? Okay. We take our paper towel, two pieces, unbroken, lay it out neatly, dump the refuse inside, arranged neatly.. fold over carefully, making sure the corners are square.. and.. we take a piece of aluminum foil, and we place our refuse onto the foil, and fold over very carefully - this way, it won't leak onto the other garbage... Alright, and then we take a brown, paper sandwich bag... and... oh no, this bag is torn... Well... no, that's alright. We'll just fold over, and no one will see. We'll fold it over twice to be careful.. then we get our tape. And, we tape it shut - be very careful to center the tape on the bag. I like to keep my tape dispenser right here on the counter. There we go! All ready for the trash. Now that's some garbage you can live with!

I like Dog's!

Alright. On page 167, the author continues: "I was on Ched Choppel's show 'Pightline', when, during a commercial break, Ched confessed to me that he often engages in autoerotic asphyxiation." Now, that was unnecessary. And then it goes on to say: "It was on Ched's show that At Buchanan and Teve Torbes first agreed that Dob Bole should drop out. At said, 'Teve, what about Dob?' Then Dob motioned for At to come towards Steve... Teve Torbes, At, Dob Bole, Uchanan, Ucotos, Ucomos, Ucant, Teve, At, Bole, Dat, Boba Fet, Toni Kukoc, Bee-Bo-Bo, Lamar Alexander 2." Gentlemen, reactions?

Wrong! There is intelligent life in the 11th galaxy on the planet Neptar, which will conquer Earth in the year 5482, utilizing us for slave labor in their Chellonian salt mines. Issue number 5: what number am I thinking of?

We sell a lot of products in the "Bag O'" line.. like Bag O' Glass, Bag O' Nails, Bag O' Bugs, Bag O' Vipers, Bag O' Sulfuric Acid.

Hey, everybody, Harry Caray here! Well, as you know, 1997 was quite a year! A lot of things happened - some good, some bad. Mother Theresa died. That wasn't good. Unless you hated Mother Theresa. I myself was not a fan of hers - don't ask why! We were just like oil and water - we didn't mix. In the world of sports, Mike Tyson bit a man's ear off! I don't know what all the hoopla was about! I also bit a man's ear off on several occasions, and I'm not proud of it, but it helped me out of many a jam! In Scotland, they cloned a sheep, which a lot of people thought was fun! Hey, what if..? Hey! Hey, if I was a scientist, you know what I'd clone? Hot dogs!

To be honest, this whole family thing started out as a con. I was going to play Ted like a punk and sell his telescope for pot.

This is Janet Reno's Dance Party!

Roaches are attracted to Bug-Off by a chemical message that says, "Come on in, it's warm and safe in here." Once inside, the roach is held fast by a powerful adhesive, while three pairs of tiny tweezers grab the roach's legs and stretch them in opposite directions until, eventually, they snap off. Meanwhile, a red-hot metal coil burns off the roach's reproductive organs, as the roach's own legs are used to beat him senseless. And, with the patented clear-view window, you can be sure it's working. Finally, wads of turpentine silk cotton are stuffed into the roach's orifices, while a tasty piece of food dangles just out of his reach.

Philadelphia!

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'm just a caveman. I fell on some ice and later got thawed out by some of your scientists. Your world frightens and confuses me! Sometimes the honking horns of your traffic make me want to get out of my BMW.. and run off into the hills, or wherever.. Sometimes when I get a message on my fax machine, I wonder: "Did little demons get inside and type it?" I don't know! My primitive mind can't grasp these concepts. But there is one thing I do know - when a man like my client slips and falls on a sidewalk in front of a public library, then he is entitled to no less than two million in compensatory damages, and two million in punitive damages. Thank you.

How can.. the Prime minister.. support a law.. that makes it illegal for people.. who... What I'm trying to say is... is not Oasis the greatest British band since the Beatles? Can we not vote on this?!

Do you like drinkin'? Well, if you're like me - you like to get bit just as fast as possible. That's why I'm proud to introduce, to you, Uncle Jemimah's Pure Mash Liquor. I'm Uncle Jemimah. You probably know my wife, Aunt Jemimah, the Pancake Lady. Now, she says that sellin' booze is degradin' to our people. I always say that black folk ain't exactly swellin' up with pride on account of you flippin' flapjack! Then she say, "Why booze?" I says, "Sell what you know", and I know about booze. Uncle Jemimah's Pure Mash Liquor has a 95% alcohol content, and that's per volume. That means you get f**ked up for less money!

Grandma: Hey, how do you know so much about Oops! I Crapped My Pants?
Grandpa: Well I'm wearing them.. and I just did.

Enjoy it folks, it's all the funny I'm going to have for a while.

A few things, but first things first: Baldauff, old buddy, this one is for you.

What a weekend to party. We had Willby's birthday celebration, the Super Bowl, and then this morning my brother woke me up at three and dragged me to Punxsutawney for Groundhog's Day! With all that the weekend consisted of going bowling for Willby, watching the first half of the game alone and then driving my sister around town, and I never actually went to see Phil. We were going to, my brother was all about it saying he'd wake me up, but when I woke up at six to the sound of my alarm, my brother was fast asleep. I guess it's just another example of the lack of adventure at home or in adulthood or whatever. But I did have an amazing dig a canal through the driveway adventure today... AWESOME!!!

Has anyone heard these anti-marijuana commercials where they make it a point that pot is a lame excuse. There is this one I heard on the radio that was just a girl leaving an answering machine message. I'm paraphrasing, but she effectively says, "Where are you, we are missing the prom, give me a call, this is so frustrating, what are you doing, yadda yadda yadda..." Then the voiceover comes on and says, "Just tell her you missed your date cause you were getting high, she'll understand." It's no secret that I didn't really want to go to my senior prom; no offense Meghann, but I wish I would have been getting high that day. Oh, and Happy Birthday!!!