Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Roughly 18% of my company’s workforce is women. That's about the same percentage of girls that were at Rose-Hulman, though I sympathize with the plight of my female coworkers more then when I was in college. In school, for every girl there were about five guys to ask her out. At work, for every girl there is one guy to ask her out and four other married men to stare at her from a distance. Let me not confuse you into thinking that the odds are therefore in my favor. Like the men, 4 out of 5 of the women are married, and even a larger percentage of the ones available are unattractive.

I think about this as I walk to my car. This has got to be funny right. I haven't made a worthwhile blogpost in over a month. I have written a ridiculous amount but there is little worth involving the world over. It's not that I've lost interest; it's that I haven't been funny. I mull over this and thousands of other workplace stories and observations in the hopes of finding something that people will want to hear about. As I navigate the corridors of my office I'm trapped behind a not ugly, but neither skinny woman gossiping to her girl-friend on the cell phone. The snippets of conversation I pick up remind me of one amusing workplace anecdote after another:

"He's sweet. He bought me a coffee cup and left it on my desk this morning."

There's a little store in the basement on the way to the cafeteria that sells company swag. Normally, it's operated by a not so vivacious 70-something who speaks broken English. During her lunch break however, her post is filled by any number of extremely hot young coeds. I noticed this my first week here when I walked by and there was an attractive Asian woman there, dressed in a domestically popular outfit. The next day there was another attractive Asian woman (may have been the same one, can't really tell). Since then I have seen another Asian, a cute Latino girl, and two extremely fine girl-next-door type girls, one blonde and one brunette. The blonde, by the way, is the most spectacular piece of sunshine I've seen since the sun. I'm pretty sure it's illegal to hire your lunch staff based on attractiveness, I'm also pretty sure I don't care.

"I was there the whole time. I think he waited until I went to the bathroom."

It's a Friday, however not Hawaiian shirt day as I was led to believe all Fridays were. My beige palm trees on navy blue background is standing out a little too much. I'm drying my hands after washing them when a googy eyed old man violates guy code and speaks to me in the public bathroom, "You have a great shirt, I love your shirt! I'm jealous, don't ever take it off though, I'll take it! Mwahaha," then Barry Sanders' it out of the bathroom. I leave moments later to see this man 50 yards away running down the hallway with a form reminiscent of an Olympic ski jumper. There's no shortage of odd people in my office.

"Thank God nobody found out about that! Christ, I’d be ruined if anyone knew."

I'm coming in late on a rainy morning. I pass an old shady man walking through the rain with his arms akimbo. I nod as we pass in an effort to avoid being raped, and greet him with a good afternoon or good morning or whatever it is. He chuckles uncomfortably and once he is well behind me proclaims back in my direction, "Jesus loves you!" Well, there go my worries for the day. I'm not quite sure what horrible sin I had just committed to be reminded of that, but thanks buddy, Shiva reaches right back at you with many arms.

"I don't know, he thinks this new girl has a thing for him."

I'm very attracted to one of the new girls in our department. She's not hot, but very cute if you can visualize it. She dresses skanky which doesn't match the personality she exudes, but I find that very intriguing. I've seen her wearing a miniskirt with knee high leather boots, and she has this tattoo on her lower back which just screams "have doggy-style sex with me!" I haven't talked to her yet, she flirts with everyone, and I think she has a boyfriend: I don't think any of that hurts my chances.

"It certainly is a big deal. Those are the two guys at work I slept with."

HELLO! Sex, what?!? This just got good in a hurry, what was I thinking about? Screw it. My new priority, do everything you can to eavesdrop on this woman's conversation, SEX! She is a goldmine. I pace behind her for a minute with no additional juice until she sets up camp in the middle of the long glass walkway between buildings, by far the worst place to hide in the complex. Short of painting myself to match the carpet and lying motionless on the floor, I stand little chance of going undetected. This is the kind of area that if you were a sniper in training your boss would tell you, "You can hide there, or there, or even there. Actually, anywhere around here is fine, just not right there." I slowly meander by, developing a limp, vertigo, an inner ear infection, and whatever else buys me precious seconds of comedic manna. Shortly, I am out of range with little to show for it, minus an erection, but at least I got this post.

  Monday, June 06, 2005

It's coming! On July 26th my life is complete.