Thursday, December 08, 2005

Something sucks. Not sure what. Here's some things.

Becky's Wedding - the girl who served as accomplice to my wacky high school adventures - was really awesome. It was also over four months ago. It was great to see her parents and her brother, and her/my friends. That's awesome, definitely not the sucky uncertain thing I got going on.


I'm a different person around home friends then I am with college friends. I feel like I'm more interesting. I may not be, but while college friends are used to the shtick, home friends are too, "Rory 'Fucking' Sant!" for me to notice if there's really a difference. Although I've called that place home all along, it really hasn't been in over seven years. That might have something to do with this perception, but it's not the issue I'm concerned about either.

Once upon a time I knew a really cool girl, but I was too concerned with what I thought I wanted to become, to be content with something that worked just the way it was. Years later, from about November last year to the wedding, I was involved in a relationship. I understand that I make virtually no mention of this relationship in my blog, yet its existence spans a time in which my blog was virtually non-existent. Weird? I was happy and she was awesome, but I was constantly comparing her to this other cool girl I used to know. That's also not what's bugging me.

That comparison stems from the most recent evolution of my philosophy on relationships: find someone you can be yourself around, and don't settle. Internally, I'm mired in a debate over what "settling" means: is that to some unattainable dream woman or to the most compatible person you've ever known? Regardless of the answer, the girl I was with wasn't either, and I was beginning to wonder if that cool girl I used to know wasn't both. Now we're getting warmer.

But I'm at a beautiful wedding surrounded by people I love, people who are a part of me, and why I am the way I am. This is not time for debate; everyone wants to here my stories, those missing parts of what I did so that I could do the things I do better. I'm hashing it out with some old cronies on my throne of attention, and I ask a friend of a friend if they happen to know what that cool girl I used to know was up to. Now imagine me crashing down when I find out that only weeks earlier she was married herself.


And there we have the sucky part.

I was really broken up about it. I recovered, but I still think about it - a lot in the four months since then. I could accept this if the guy was a better fit for her then me. They had a wedding website. I checked it out with the biggest ego: he didn't look or act better than me, I'm Rory 'Fucking' Sant. What a chode I was. There it was right in front of me, amongst his many lame accomplishments, was falling in love, as if it justified everything else, and it did.

I would have constantly wondered if there was more for me, but he didn't. I may think that with every woman from now on, and before you sound the Rory's in trouble alarm and dawn the inspiring wisdom life vest, understand that I'm alright with that. He's not though, he wants to be with her unconditionally, and that makes him thousands of times better for her than me. And although I miss her, I'm glad that she's someone's everything, because she deserves to be.