Tuesday, October 03, 2006

The following is Part 2 of the Great Pie Adventure. For Part 1 click that link.

It was easy enough finding a company that sells pie online. I went with Underhill Farms. They seemed all full of home-cookingy goodness. The chocolate cream pie I wanted was twenty bucks, a little pricey but I was set on purchasing a pie for a woman across the country. The online form was peculiarly specific: Mother's maiden name? In case another Rory Sant happens to want this pie? Identity theft must be a real problem in the heartland. I could throw in my social security number or blood type if need be. My previous three addresses just in case I roomed with my imposter in two of my former residences. Here's a description of my permanent scars for the ever pervasive risk of clones.

After clicking the submit button you get the good news. Cost does not include delivery, and their shipping methods are complete overkill: "We overnight express ship our pies via genetically engineered carrier pigeon, packed in Peruvian dry ice and secured with diamond encrusted packing peanuts, all sealed up in our patented transparent aluminum pie casing. You're going to pay through the nards!" This was a little while ago so that may not be exactly what it said. The 'nards' part was in there for sure though.

A few days later I get a call from Kansas. Who the spork do I know from Kansas? It's a dude from this company (we'd later become good friends) telling me my package is undeliverable and it needs picked up at the FedEx office. If I wanted her to pick up the pie herself I'd have sent her a check for $6 and told her to go to Kroger. This is unacceptable. I didn't spend $20 plus my inheritance to not have it sitting at her door.

So the next day I have to discreetly solicit the address a second time while downplaying that I might actually be sending her something. I then call back this farm company. By the time this is resolved I will have called night/day, weekday/weekend. Each time it's the same guy. Interesting.

My beef was that I'm not the one doing business with FedEx, so why would I be the one resolving the issue with them. Over the three subsequent conversations I have with Underworld Farms, American Gothic on the phone there tries to wipe his hands clean of the situation, hangs up on me, and becomes annoyed when I ask for some info to confirm that it indeed is my online pie order we're discussing. This prompts me to believe that I may be the first person to ever e-pie with this company.

SCENE: It's dusk at old farmhouse in Kansas where a long extension cord runs out of a screendoor, through a wheatfield and into the barn where Old McDonald has set up his desk between the pigs and the horses. He's admiring the purty green pictures on his new Macintosh SE when he shouts, "Howdy! This computanangle's trying to order a pie." He is of course yelling this to himself since as far as I can tell he's the only one working there. With one hand he milks cows, with the other he answers phones. I don't want to know how he makes the pies.

For more imagery please visit www.onemanpiecompany.com.

TO BE CONCLUDED...